Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Got up this morning to another missed day at school.  Am really going to have to give up this Facebook habit. It's keeping me back and I know it. 'I' called at 11.20 and I had just hauled myself out of the shower. She would be there in about an hour with 'A' for a visit.  Along with both their kids. Cringe! House a bit messy, beds needing made and about 20 million other bits and pieces needing put away. Go for the 'out of sight, out of mind' option and open my bedroom door, chuck it all in and pull the door shut. Feel guilty for about a millisecond and then decide everybody has done this at least once in their life.  No doubt there is some sanctimonious witch reading this and thinking 'I've not', well good for you!!!! House looked tidy and as I served our toasted cheese and tea on my Cath Kidston cups and plates I felt like a proper little Kirstie Allsop. Little did they know the devastation in my boudoir. Hahaha.

Kids had a great time and for once H had a male pal to play with. There is an overload of female children in our circle so he wasn't annoying L and risking the bedroom door getting slammed on his nose.

Watched the weather report to see if there was any respite in the freezing conditions. Seriously hoping to see courier vans and Royal Mail deliveries happening soon. Time is marching on and I have nine outstanding parcels. Pants. By that I mean it's rubbish, not that i have bought a consignment of underwear for all and sundry.  Come to think of it though it might have made things a lot simpler. The smug weather git came on and regaled us with the delightful news that there would be a thaw for a 'few days' and then freezing conditions all the way to Christmas. He didn't even have a sorry face on. I wanted to reach into the telly and poke his eyes out with an icicle.

Back to school again tomorrow, I am staying off Facebook from now on. Sick of folk moaning about slippy paths and how they are going to injure themselves, schools being off and no milk. Goodness knows what our grandparents would make of it all. They survived rationing, war and bombs dropping and still managed to stay sane.....

Monday, 6 December 2010

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. For goodness sake would someone please ask Him upstairs to make it stop! After a weekend where we thought we might actually be getting somewhere its back again and worse than ever.

Woke up on Saturday morning to the sweet sight of a snow free road outside and  melted icicles. Great! Got it together and took off  for the town centre. It was going like a fair as every other person on West Lothian had switched from panic buying bread and milk to panic buying Christmas presents. Chaos and that was only in the car parks. Finally managed to escape the multi storey but had to give up on Toys'r'us as it was carnage. People has obviously just given up on even trying to park sensibly and had to decided to adopt an 'Eff it' attitude to the whole situation. Cars were double parked, triple parked and totally abandoned next to mounds of six foot high snow. Gave up eventually and felt glad that I really only need stocking fillers now and that anyone else would just have to take an IOU and be glad of it!

Monday morning arrived and I packed my gym bag in the optimistic hope of getting to aqua fit but was pretty convinced that Big Dunc's pool will be frozen over by now and if I am honest the thought of baring my body was not inviting in the least. At ten past eight the white stuff started again and I sent a text to 'I' to cancel. In agreement we ditched the bags and had bacon rolls at mine instead. On the road home spotted the very late bin lorry and dashed home to get the bucket out. Nearly gave myself a hernia in the process, dragging it through 3 feet of snow and the darned thing wasn't even doing our street.  After she left I went out and shovelled another 4 inches of snow and then later another 3. It is really beginning to do my nut in big time as even a trip to the bucket is becoming an epic journey involving thermal clothes and a team of huskies. Then came the call everyone was waiting for. School is shutting. Get your kids now. Grabbed the boots again and took off to pick up the kids. Trudged through even deeper snow along with a sorry looking bunch of mums and dads to get L & H. H is a lazy wee beggar and lagged behind to the point that I ended up losing it and screeched like a mad woman 'Faster, walk faster'.

Poor wee soul, bet he wishes he was back at school..........

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Woke this morning to the words every parent dreads. 'Mum, I've been sick on my bed'.  Poor L is standing in  the doorway of the room looking like nae body's bairn.   I get out of bed and look at the clock. It is 2AM. Not surprisingly hubby is dead to the world. Go through to inspect the damage and am heartened to see she managed to get the throw and nothing else. Spend the next half hour scraping said throw, making a hot water bottle and getting her a drink. Hardly surprised, she had been running a temperature since lunch time yesterday. Get back to bed before 3 when S suddenly appears awake and asks what is wrong. Want to shove his nose in the sicky throw but resist the temptation.   Drop off to the sound of the washing machine going into a spin. Start to worry about low Calpol supplies.

Get up at 7. L a bit better, thankfully. Asks for toast and hot chocolate. Not the best combo but sometimes when you are ill it's what you fancy. Have a look at Facebook which has been a lifeline over the past few days. Mainly because it means you can compare your diminishing sanity levels with others. Ten years ago we would have all been shut in going quietly round the bend. The phone would have been red hot to the point that the fat cats at BT would be rubbing their hands together with glee. Happen to look at someones page which displays pictures of last years snow and then pictures of this years. And we thought we had it bad last year! If last year was a Minimilk then this year is a Magnum. You know it looks great but after you've had it you regret it big time.

At one o'clock a miracle happens. The JCB driver appears and shovels the new load of snow up the street.  Unfortunately for us he also leaves 2 feet high deposits across the openings to every ones drives.  This prompts a flurry of activity as we all start shovelling again. I can honestly say I have never witnessed so much shovelling ever - and with all sorts of homemade implements!

Let H out to play and he comes back hysterical.  He has snow down his wellies and a bloody nose from being hit in the face with a shovel. Possibly the only person in the village who has ended up on the wrong end of one.

Hubby away to work. Having been out yesterday I seriously wonder if he will make it as far as the main routes.......

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Have not written anything for over a week mainly because I have spent the majority of it looking out the front window at the copious amounts of white stuff falling from the sky. Oh it looked lovely on Friday night.  By Saturday and a cancelled train journey, it was an inconvenience and now six days later it is one darned great pain in the jacksie. The residents of the village have now scraped roads, crashed cars and built snowmen and it is becoming slightly wearing for all and sundry.

The problem is that no food deliveries are now reaching the local shops and folks are beginning to develop that 'seige' mentality. It suddenly becomes absolutely imperative that you must have a dozen cans of beans, 12 loaves of bread and enough milk in your cupboards to float the Queen Mary and damn it, you will do anything to get it! Had to go out myself this morning as we were genuinely running out of bread. The scene at the local Coop was reminiscent of commie Russia. Empty shelves and long faces as folk bought packets of spaghetti as if their lives depended on it! I couldn't help but notice the amount of bags containing bottles of booze and cans of beer.  Ah well, if you are going to starve to death you might as well die happy in front of Jeremy Kyle. I do worry though. What if it goes on all winter? It might end up like something out of that film Alive, where we are all sitting around deciding who to eat first. If ever there was a good reason for losing weight then that's it.


Fortunately it would appear there are plenty of community minded individuals who don't seem to mind scraping snow off roads, myself included. Monday afternoon saw a motley crew assembled in the Avenue  shovelling for all we were worth. It was a scene that reminded me of POW films as we struggled on valiantly piling mountains of the white stuff at the side of the roads. Hell who cares if you can't walk on the pavements, at least the car might go forward a few feet. Total waste of time, within half an hour of shovelling, the snow was on again and we were wondering why we bothered. With the arrival of an ungrateful woman from around the corner who made irritated gestures to us for blocking the road, all community mindedness went out the window and was replaced with victory v signs and one fingered salutes.

Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours........

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Well today was finally Zumba day and I arrived at the club like someone who was facing their own execution and not going 'for a dance' as described by 'I'. Now that I was captured in her car she told me that I would probably 'sweat like a pig'. Slight understatement. My face was so red that it would have been a blessing if someone had handed me a paper bag with two holes cut in the front.  Note to self : when attending Zumba in future, it would be helpful to go with someone who is not a qualified dance teacher, as they make you appear even more pants than you actually are. While 'I' shimmied and gyrated to the Latin beat I looked like someone on drugs who had lost complete body control and might at any moment collapse.  I didn't even have the comfort of the back row as the whole place was covered in mirrors and there was no escape from the sight of me making a complete backside of myself.   Finally decided to throw caution to the wind and gave it my all. No doubt videos will appear on 'YouTube' tonight titled 'Mad Zumba Eejit'.  Having thought about this maybe it would be a good idea to run Zumba in the changing rooms of shops. Then you could shut the curtains and make as big an ass of yourself as possible and in the privacy of a cubicle.

This isn't a Zumba class, this is an M&S Zumba class......

Anyway it couldn't have been too bad as after Zumba we headed off on a pilgrimage to that wonderful shopping institution - or tatfest, depending on how snooty you are  - Primark. Now I never, ever turn down the chance to go and when I asked if I fancied a jaunt I couldn't resist.  However, I was tempted to ask if we could go via Argos for a wheelchair as after 45 minutes of torture I wasn't sure if my legs would stand up to hardcore shopping. Got to Dunfermline and had to shoehorn my stiffened body out of the car.  Hurpled off down the street like John Wayne with piles.....

Left plenty of time to drive back home -or so we thought- until we reached the Forth Road bridge to massive traffic jams.  'I' was going daft as school closing time was drawing scarily near and we had very little time to spare. Finally got moving again and broke every speed limit in the book on the way home, I am sure we took the last corner into village on two wheels. Never a dull moment.....

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Friday, 19 November 2010

What a morning. Got up to chaos for two reasons. It  was 'Children in Need' day at school, and in their infinite wisdom, the powers that be, had decided all and sundry had to turn up 'spotty' for school.  As a result I was climbing ladders and raking about our loft looking for face paints at 7.30 this morning.  Made a mental note that if I ever move again the contents of the loft are being sold along with the house.  I hate to think what is hiding up there,  as the hatch is usually opened and all surplus junk is tossed up with gay abandon. For all I know a complete family of illegals could be hiding in it, along with Lord Lucan and Shergar.

Went to get H up and to my horror found he had went to sleep with his new favorite toy. Science Putty. An absolute atrocity of a birthday present,  which he had taken to bed and dropped off with - minus the tin. As a result I spent the morning trying to claw fluorescent orange sticky stuff of the duvet, sheet and pillowcase. Must have washed his face with my eyes shut, as upon inspection after school,  he had two bits stuck to his ear and a huge orange carbuncle on this neck. The teacher probably spotted them and took herself off to the chemist for some sort of  preventative remedy 'just incase'.

Looking forward to this weekend.  2 haircuts and  2 eyetests for L and Mini Me and a family night out with the Q's. Great fun!

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Went to slimming class tonight.  I had forgotten how wonderful these affairs were. Something about the whole scenario reminded me of that gem of a show 'Coach Trip', which it grieves me to admit,  is one of my favorite telly shows. Numerous individuals, trailing along a pal for support (myself included)  were sat round in a circle assisted by the class leader.  A woman, who for some reason seemed to think that regaling us with her drinking stories was of interest to us, so much so, that I began to wonder if I had wandered into an AA meeting by mistake.  She went round the circle announcing weight losses while everyone clapped like demented sealions.  I was fascinated by one couple in particular. He had lost two pounds and everytime he was asked a question his wife spoke for him. He was like an oversized ventriloquists dummy with this wee woman sitting next to him working his mouth. I wondered where she was putting her hand....

Left with J promising that we would do our best not to succumb to temptation. Really will have to try harder....

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Well,  here are three things I have learned today. The first is that no one ever wins at inter school events nowadays. After enduring ten games of handball this morning, no team actually won. All teams were given a well done certificate.  No doubt this is the idea of our loony council who don't want to upset any little darling who loses. Soon there will be no medals at the Olympics in case someone throws a tantrum in front of the winners podium.

The second is that there is a real life cabbage patch kid alive and living in the area. I saw the kid in question today and either someone has mated with a cabbage or a set of parents have cabbage patch doll genes.

The third is that my theme tune should be 'I've got" the house is a cowp and I can never get round to tidying  it up" blues'........

Yip, hand ball was a roaring success which involved me being in charge of a team of 8 (5 and 3 subs). Games lasted 7 minutes and I had to put on kids at regular intervals so everyone got a shot. Fine at first,  until I realised that I was playing the good kids and keeping the useless ones off. Alex Ferguson would have put me on his management team in a minute. Especially when I shouted encouraging words from the sidelines such as 'cover the goal' and 'get up, it only hurt a bit'.

Glad to be home. All together now  'I've got the house is a cowp and I can never get round to tidying  it up blues'........

Monday, 15 November 2010

Saturday saw us off to Dynamic Earth with H and his wee pal A for the day . Offloaded L at her aunts and took off to Edinburgh for a day of Science and learning. Great! H prattled constantly on the way there and I had to keep reminding him that it was DyNamic Earth and not DyManic Earth. He has a thing about M's and N's and talks about aminals and cimenas all the time.....

L had been taken to have her ears pierced and arrived back clutching a bottle of surgical spirit and instructions on how to look after the holes. Yuk. Clean 3 times a day for 6 weeks. Was doing great until tonight when I forgot so she probably will be up tomorrow with 'festered' ears and I will leap on the crappy mother guilt trip. Such a lovely word 'fester'.

Off on an excursion  to the local sports centre tomorrow with the inmates of L's class for a 'handball' tournament.  There seems to be so many of these new sports so I am intrigued to find out exactly what it is. Am sure I will spend three hours twiddling my thumbs in the sports centre and that handball with turn into 'pain in the a**e' ball.

Have agreed to go to Slimming World with good friend J.  Am doing it in secret as I think Other Half has given up on ever having a slim (or least not fat) wife.  After my run in with the local Weight Watchers psycho stalker (class consultant)  my options are limited. I can't go back there after telling her to 'get lost' (extremely polite for me) on the phone. But what else do you say to someone who starts the conversation with 'So what's your problem?' Well it would appear I put too much food in my gob, and it would appear she doesn't know when to shut hers. She was lucky I didn't go down and stick a  muffin back her throat.

I also volunteered to go to zumba with J. But only because I am pretty sure she won't go.....

And if she reads this she is going to be mad..........

Friday, 12 November 2010

H lost five minutes golden time yesterday for talking during maths. He was extremely upset and down because of it. I explained he would just have to take his punishment like a man and that he would have to pay attention in future. 'After all,' I said ' if you want to be a famous scientist you will have to stick in at maths'. His reply made me smile. 'I don't want to be a famous scientist mum, just an ordinary one.'  Looks like world domination is on hold again.  L sat back and bragged shamelessly about how she 'had never lost golden time in 5 whole years'. How to kick a man when he is down......

Food coop this morning with E.  As it is never busy (so much so that a queue of two is deemed stressful), I got on with sorting stuff for the school council. Standing with my back to the counter I over heard a fantastic snippet of conversation.  'No darling, we can't buy those, they're too dirty'.  Looked round to see a mother and her son and the offending items.  Mucky carrots!  For crying out loud!  Where the heck did she think carrots came from? I was tempted to ask for her phone number. That way I could contact her when the suppliers finally get round to giving us test tube veg.

Getting rid of my fundraising stuff,  I encounter L's class playing in the corridor. Stop for a chat.  They are trying on a wig which has seen better days. I laugh and tell one of them that she 'looks like Tina Turner. As I head off on my way I hear them whispering 'Who's Tina Turner?'. I feel ancient. Make a mental note to check L's head for little visitors.

Have volunteered to watch E's boys while she goes to the Take That concert next June. However in return she has to hold up a large banner with' I love you Gary' and my phone number on it. Okay, so he's on the podgy side and his eyes are a bit hee haw, but he'd do. We could go to slimming classes together.

L is complaining about a cough. Think she might have caught TB off the mucky carrots.......

Thursday, 11 November 2010

I have decided that when writing this I am keeping myself anonymous (although most of the mummy's who follow this know who I am). The main reason being that one day I might hear a van screech up and the men in white coats will drag me away from washing the floor or cleaning the loo or something important like that. Or a night in shining armour might appear and take me away to my idea of heaven (Cadburyland).  I may however cut down to one or two posts a week as there is a lot to be said for quality not quantity.

Had cooking disaster no 1032 last night. Decided to make broccoli in a cheese sauce to go with my chicken pie and tatties. Anything to disguise the taste. Boiled the broccoli and fished two packets of sauce out of the cupboard. How hard can it be? Too hard for me it would appear, as within seconds of the sauce hitting the pan it developed the most strange round green things in it. Took a look and to my horror realised I had opened a packet of cheese sauce and a packet of peppercorn sauce and mixed the two together. An interesting combo but highly unlikely to win any prizes on Master Chef.

Another terrible morning. Woke at 5 am to the sweet sound of our blue bin being blown over. Got up praying it was someone elses but no, there it was in all it's glory. Lid gaping and last weeks trash all over the street. Told OH who said 'I'll get it at Seven'. SEVEN ! By 7 o'clock the rubbish would have been strewn from here to kingdom come. Got the wellies on over my jammies and a waterproof coat and went out to pick up the mess. If anyone had passed they would have thought I was stark raving mad  - and they would have been right.

PSA fundraising meeting on Monday night and it is at the home of one of  the members. Great! That means I won't have to mind my P's and Q's or sit through the boring adult stuff. It's amazing how being in school still makes you feel that you are about 8 years old when you are actually on the wrong side of 40.  I always seem to feel guilty when I have not (to my knowledge) been naughty. I used to think I might have liked a job working in a school but now realise that it is highly unlikely I could ever work in one. A. Because some teachers have a problem with speaking to parents like they are pupils as well. As someone who dislikes authority I doubt if I would fit in. B. Because I could never tolerate the ludicrous Health and Safety rules and regulations. I would probably give the Heidy a fit for actively encouraging ice slides, conkers and snow ball fights. and would be the only adult to get detention! Anyway the meeting is about a fundraising project for next year -  my favorite bit of the PSA. Might even bake some brownies to take. That is if Asda have any packet mixes in stock.....

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

What a freezing cold morning. Had to resort to squeezing myself into what I describe as my 'duvet' jacket for the first time since last winter. At least it's a better day than yesterday which was a complete joke! Got up to wind and rain and dragged the full monty out of the wardrobes -  wellies, waterproof trousers, waterproof jackets,  hats, gloves and umbrellas. Ten minutes prior to leaving the rain was blowing horizontally outside and I cringed at the thought of going out in it. Ten minutes later as we opened the door it had cleared up! No time to take anything off so I arrived in the school playground like a drop out from a John West advert with the car driving parents looking at me as if I was a total fruitcake. Anyway the whole day was like that. Every time I stepped out the door I got soaked.

Went to the local cafe to kill time before picking the kids up, only to have the 'you know what' scared out of me. One of the customers took great delight in informing me about a house being ransacked down the road and as usual it gave me 'Crimewatch' syndrome. You know what I mean. When the music to Crimewatch starts and I am in myself, I shut all the blinds and check every door and window is locked frantically. It is as if  when the tune plays it is an invite for any local criminal to attack the house.  Have often wondered what it would be like if you are sitting watching telly in some seedy B&B in the middle of nowhere, when the 'Have you seen this man?' bit comes on. The bloke on the sofa opposite happens to be the man in question. You would be sitting wondering what you could use to defend yourself as a Glade Plug-in and basket of yucky potpourri are hardly the weapons of choice. 

Took Mini  Me and L to the local Mecca for kids last night after tea. By that I mean of course 'Toys 'R' Us'.  That wonderful establishment which promises to offload your cash in exchange for a barrow load of tat. Neither were all that impressed as I have now gone into 'you'll have to ask Santa' mode. S on the other hand had to be dragged away from the X-box 360. Men!

Sleep tightly now and don't have nightmares......

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

H's birthday this morning and he leaped out of bed with abnormal enthusiasm. Loved watching his wee face as he opened his presents (ably assisted by L) and it seemed nothing like six years since he was born. He is so loved.  He finally chose a globe for his present as he 'wanted to learn all the countries'. Jolly good I thought, at least he is trying to learn. Then a notion struck me - along with the  globe he had asked for a remote control to make people do what he wanted. What was for Christmas?  The Death Star?  The words 'world domination' came to mind. Maybe I shouldn't be celebrating. Maybe I have given birth to the next Dr Evil.

I shall call him Mini Me...........

Got a reprieve from Zumba for the next two weeks. 'I' is doing something next week and I had forgotten that I had 'volunteered' to assist at school book week today.  Two slots, two hours apart which involve going to pick up classes of kids and herding them along corridors to the library without losing any along the way. Great fun! There, they and myself,  are under the eagle eye of the school book week supervisor (a sort of female version of the child catcher) who takes the money and orders the books while I 'help' them choose. Not an easy job as most primary one kids can't make up their mind what class they are in, let alone choose a suitable book. Usually the little ones are picking up 300 page paperbacks and the older ones are looking at 'Aliens Love Underpants'.

Taking Mini Me and L to Frankie and Bennie's for his birthday. They order the same thing every time. L has pizza and MM has bangers and mash. I wish they would just sell ruddy bangers as the sausages get eaten and the mash always gets sent back......

Monday, 8 November 2010

In the words of the great Victor Meldrew 'I don't bloody believe it!' Just as I embark on a shed load of sewing projects Trusty my faithful sewing machine has decided it's time for a tension problem.  I am sure it can be sorted though if I go and find the manual, so if you happen to be Harry Potter loving children's mummy fear not! I know you read this and there's no need to panic. Normal service will be resumed asap. Off to get a hammer and chisel. If Trusty sees it he might just spring back into action....if not I will threaten Christmas dinner cancellation and other half will shell out for out for a new one..hopefully.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Well last nights soiree was enjoyable to say the least. Arrived fashionably late as usual (an hour) and took up residence at a table next to the bar. As an avid people watcher (and non dancer) this was a fantastic vantage point for the dance floor. As with any charity night the main aim was to offload you of your cash as soon as possible, so after purchasing two different types of raffle tickets and an Irish Bingo ticket, we sat back to enjoy. Were introduced to A's new man,  a very nice bloke, who is hardly likely to forget us, as other half spilled a pint down him and he had to sit with a wet leg all night.   As we were late it seemed like very little time had passed before the buffet was announced. Now I am no skinnie minnie however there seemed to be a very high percentage of lets just say 'large' ladies present and the stampede to the buffet was a sight to behold. At that point hubby, who is always mindful of not letting his stomach get too empty, leaped up to join the queue. Just as well, their paper plates were piled with so much food I was temped to ask if they wanted a tray from the bar. The raffle was then drawn. It is a standing joke that we only ever win the lavender bath salts in raffles but this must have been our night. One bottle of Morgan's Spiced, a bottle of wine, box of jewellery and large box of Maltesers later we were left eating our words. Hilariously we also won a voucher to have a pair of trousers taken up at a local business. How ironic considering my sewing machine is permanent fixture in the dining room at the moment. Spent the rest of the night watching the large ladies in question dancing the night away in thoroughly inappropriate attire. One in particular was doing a very energetic Hucklebuck in a boob tube.  I watched with morbid fascination as it worked it's way down her vast expanse of flesh only to be hitched up just before public decency was flaunted. This happened again and again.  Frightening to say the least. Did she actually look in the mirror before she left the house? Were invited back to F's house to continue the party but as it consisted of a crowd of bank managers she worked with, we politely passed. Fifteen years experience of bankers had me realise that this would have been a a night to forget.  F had asked if we would drop three of them back at her house.  Fine, however one didn't leave quickly enough for us so we drove away and left her at the Chapel Hall. It was like something from the Sweeney as I shrieked hysterically 'Go! Go! Go!' and OH fought to get the car in first gear.  Jack Regan would have been proud as we lurched off up the road with two drunks in the back. I was sure if  I looked in the rear mirror I would spot her chasing us up the street with her high heels in her hand.

At least she would have sobered up in time for the 6 o'clock mass......

Saturday, 6 November 2010

Off on a night out tonight with the other half.  It's a charity night and is in my old friend F's Chapel Hall. Or should I say Parish Centre as they like to call them now. Last night out I went to there was a ladies night. It turned out to be hilarious for all the wrong reasons. When I arrived F sat me at a table with a woman dressed up in a nun's costume. I was just about to complement her on her fancy dress when F said 'Can you ask Sister Agnes what she wants to drink?'  Well theres a first , I bet no one else can claim a bonafide nun as their drinking partner!   The night went on a downward slide, mainly because the company I was in had decided to do a  kitty.  For a virtual tee totaller this is lethal. Double Baileys every round even though I protested that my limit was two or three.  The night consisted of various turns, the highlight being for me the local drama group (again for all the wrong reasons) who sung a selection of songs from well known musicals. Very enjoyable you may think, however one particular woman thought she was the next Elaine Paige. To be kind, she had a voice that sounded like someone afflicted with haemorrhoid's trying to pass a hedgehog. By that point the Baileys had kicked in (thank goodness) but it left me with the most horrendous compulsion to laugh out loud. Which would have been fine if everyone else was. They weren't.  I shredded my raffle tickets to tatters in a vain attempt to stifle my giggles. That along with the line dancing and taster salsa lessons made it a night to remember....

Anyway tonight's do is to raise cash for breast cancer charities and is money well spent as far as I am concerned.

Am going to be very busy from now to Christmas. Have had commissions for Harry Potter style cloaks for two little HP fans and am making some racy Xmas stockings to put presents in for my nearest and dearest. Another excuse to give up the old housework.........

Friday, 5 November 2010

L was off school today. Sore head, feeling dizzy and shivery. Got her to the gates, clocked her white face and then dutifully brought her back home and tucked her up on the couch with a dose of the Calpol. Within 20 minutes she was up playing with her Sylvanian Families and  scoffing Doritos. Amazing stuff that.  I am sure the adult equivalent must be Tramodol.  Either that or Vodka. Alternatively, I am the most gullible parent alive and she can play me like a fiddle.

 'I' has asked me to go to Zumba classes with her at Big Dunc's next week. Can't make up my mind whether she is being kind and looking out for my health or is just wanting to prove what she has suspected for ages, and what I already know. I have no rhythm and cannot paticipate in the slosh without an assault charge for slapping someone by mistake.  However, she tried to allay my fears by telling me it's just like jogging to music for 45 minutes. FORTY FIVE MINUTES! I can't even jog for five minutes. Will just have to creep into the hall and hide at the back.......

To further add to my misery it's Mr Aquafit who takes it. Altogether now, stayin' alive, stayin' alive............

It's H's birthday next week and as usual the wee soul is easy to please.  When asked what he wants, he says 'a surprise Mummy'. Now this may seem like an easy ride, but this is the child, who in the past, has asked for a real Willy Wonka chocolate bar complete with golden ticket and a remote control that could make people do what he wanted......

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Overheard the most funny thing on the bus. Two women in the seat in front are discussing plans for the weekend. Obviously I was wigging in, in a vain attempt to remain alive, never mind awake, as bus journeys from Edinburgh (as most local travellers know) make you want to lose the will to live. Anyway, the two ladies in question were frantically trying to outdo each other in the entertaining stakes and were both having 'dinner parties'. The first bragged on about the menu, the wine and how she had bought her table mats from Jenners, blah, blah, blah.  The second, not be outdone, started off along the same road and finished by announcing that she was having a Mexican themed meal and was 'serving nachos and Guatemala for starters'. Amazing!  That was taking entertaining to the limits, I am struggling with eleven for Christmas - she was serving a whole country.  Makes Jesus and his loaves and fishes seem quite tame. Didn't have the heart to tap her shoulder and say 'it's Guacamole', it would have ruined her illusions........

Why is it we strive to outdo each other so much?  In the long run does it really matter if our table mats are from Jenners or Poundland?  Isn't it who actually wants to eat off them that counts?

Hope someone asks me what I would like for Christmas this year.  Spied the DVD version of Lady Chatterley on Amazon. The one about the gamekeeper (played by the ever attractive Sean Bean) who  lets Joely Richardson get to grips with his rifle. It's border line porn, but everyone knows that they get away with it because it was produced by the BBC and most of their viewers are up in arms if they so much as expell wind in the wrong direction. Yep, you could ask your Grannie for it and she wouldn't bat an eyelid.

On the subject of Grannies and fanciable men, I always remember my grannie saying that Victor Mature used to 'send her'. Grannie speak for having the hots for someone I suppose. Never got round to asking where he actually sent her to. The coop with her ration book probably.....
Off to health club this morning with 'I', in a vain attempt to get fit. Much as I enjoy it, I have to admit that I do get cheesed off that I am giving monthly money to that pompous git off Dragon's Den. To further add insult to injury there is a large picture of the  aforementioned in the lobby taking smugness to a new level. When I look at it I am always inclined to rush forward with a sharpie and draw a Hitler moustache and set of devil horns on it.  Aquafit was it's usual -  a dozen or so ladies sloshing about in the pool, causing a tidal wave that would wipe out half of Scotland, ably urged on by a camp male instructor who still hasn't got the fact that his poolside disco moves aren't so much hip as shit.  ' I' tried to draw my attention to Mr Speedoman who tends to frequent the pool at this time. Not because he is fit, but because she knows my rules on Speedos are this: Rule no 1. Never on anyone over 30. Rule No 2. No beer bellies. Rule No3. Unless you are David Beckham they are OUT.  What is it about middle aged men that makes them think that squeezing into next to nothing is alluring?  All I can think of is Peter Stringfellow in that white thong. Frightening. This guy thinks he's David Beckham but is more David Brent. Couldn't make out much as I had no specs on, but the speedos were bright pink and had SPEEDO emblazoned across the butt cheeks. Or maybe it said spanner, as I say I couldn't really see. As we exited the pool 'I's comment was 'Did you see Speedoman? He's got a huge packet!'
Yeah, and a beer gut and a hairy back, think I'll pass.......

Am extremely proud of recent deal I struck with other half. In return for having inlaws for Christmas dinner (eleven of us in total), I have managed to claim the following: a replacement dishwasher for the old broken one which has been fermenting for the past 3 months. No way am I doing dishes for eleven when I could be watching the Doctor Who Christmas Special. Also the previously mentioned and much revered carpets, and a new telly unit.

Lord Sugar would be proud.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Had N for lunch today. That was after I has manically hoovered the new carpets to get rid of more fluff. Was convinced that I had captured the lot yesterday after they arrived, however it would appear I was wrong and more fluff has sprung forth. I always enjoy her company as her life is just as chaotic - and she is highly unlikely to notice the baked bean stains on the vertical blinds or the junk shoved under the couch. Had to laugh, she dutifully removed her shoes (I didn't ask her to) but she must have read my rant on Facebook about having to levitate above the new carpets and went for the easier option.  It it so relaxing to have someone who you don't feel you have to impress. However she is a great cook and I doubt my rolls on sausage and Kit Kat Chunkys were giving her efforts a run for their money. As usual she appeared clutching freshly baked, jacksie expanding chocolate muffins.

As usual I couldn't resist.......

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Well here we go.......

Well today someone asked me to start a blog as it would appear my thoughts and observations on life in general make people laugh. So here I am like SJP in Sex in the City typing furiously at my lap top. That's where the similarities end. While SJP sits on her size 6 rear in her cosmopolitan NY brownstone, typing amid her trendy furniture and boho togs, I on the other hand have my over sized ass parked on the edge of my DFS couch in a not so cosmopolitan village in central Scotland .As for boho togs if your idea of high fashion is a primark vest and a pair of jeans with dubious stains on them well, hey ho I am the next Agnes Deyn.

It's a really strange thing. You can't make up funny stuff, it just sort of happens and I suppose it depends on the sort of humour you are blessed with. (In my case juvenile and lavatorial so am not likely to appeal to the majority).

It has been a bizarre day, what with H age six and his 'poofy' jacket. For those of us unfamiliar with age six speak this actually should read 'puffy. I hope he manages to sort that little word confusion out prior to high school as we could be in for problems.

Embarrassing moment of the week has to be L age nine pointing out to me that 'they have jumbo sized ones, they'll do you'  in the sanitary towels aisle at Tescos. Have now managed to master the act of dropping her a complete deafie as she laughs loudly and hysterically and I shuffle off up the aisle with my wonky wheeled trolley. She is only 9 for Pete's sake!!!