Sunday, 7 November 2010

Well last nights soiree was enjoyable to say the least. Arrived fashionably late as usual (an hour) and took up residence at a table next to the bar. As an avid people watcher (and non dancer) this was a fantastic vantage point for the dance floor. As with any charity night the main aim was to offload you of your cash as soon as possible, so after purchasing two different types of raffle tickets and an Irish Bingo ticket, we sat back to enjoy. Were introduced to A's new man,  a very nice bloke, who is hardly likely to forget us, as other half spilled a pint down him and he had to sit with a wet leg all night.   As we were late it seemed like very little time had passed before the buffet was announced. Now I am no skinnie minnie however there seemed to be a very high percentage of lets just say 'large' ladies present and the stampede to the buffet was a sight to behold. At that point hubby, who is always mindful of not letting his stomach get too empty, leaped up to join the queue. Just as well, their paper plates were piled with so much food I was temped to ask if they wanted a tray from the bar. The raffle was then drawn. It is a standing joke that we only ever win the lavender bath salts in raffles but this must have been our night. One bottle of Morgan's Spiced, a bottle of wine, box of jewellery and large box of Maltesers later we were left eating our words. Hilariously we also won a voucher to have a pair of trousers taken up at a local business. How ironic considering my sewing machine is permanent fixture in the dining room at the moment. Spent the rest of the night watching the large ladies in question dancing the night away in thoroughly inappropriate attire. One in particular was doing a very energetic Hucklebuck in a boob tube.  I watched with morbid fascination as it worked it's way down her vast expanse of flesh only to be hitched up just before public decency was flaunted. This happened again and again.  Frightening to say the least. Did she actually look in the mirror before she left the house? Were invited back to F's house to continue the party but as it consisted of a crowd of bank managers she worked with, we politely passed. Fifteen years experience of bankers had me realise that this would have been a a night to forget.  F had asked if we would drop three of them back at her house.  Fine, however one didn't leave quickly enough for us so we drove away and left her at the Chapel Hall. It was like something from the Sweeney as I shrieked hysterically 'Go! Go! Go!' and OH fought to get the car in first gear.  Jack Regan would have been proud as we lurched off up the road with two drunks in the back. I was sure if  I looked in the rear mirror I would spot her chasing us up the street with her high heels in her hand.

At least she would have sobered up in time for the 6 o'clock mass......