Monday, 31 January 2011

Why do women get PMT?   Yes I know Eve ate that apple, but really could God not have just given her community service or something? I wouldn't have eaten an apple in exchange for this. Maybe a lifetimes supply of Lindor or something,  but not an apple.  Sitting here, a bundle of extreme crabbitness, wishing that I could just hibernate for a week. Why is it the week that you are crabbit the worlds share of irritating eejits crawl out from their caves?  Nutters who want to drive faster than you, nutters who wants to drive slower than you, chatting shop assistants, someone who tuts at you for blocking the aisle in Morrison's. Folk that cut you up on the motorway. In fact any person on the planet.  Even the most benign and inoffensive soul becomes a target for your venom. One minute you want to wipe out the local population with your supermarket trolley, the next you are a greetin' miserable wreck and there is no rhyme nor reason to it.  Aye it's great being a female. Rant over.

H is sitting at the dinner table. Says something about the word 'tresbians'. I look at him and ask him to repeat himself. Ever since someone in L's primary 2 class told me a joke about lesbians I have had my suspicions about what sort of talk goes on in class. He rolls his eyes and says in a tone which is more suited to someone of  limited intelligence than myself,  'I was just telling Dad that when we are doing French Miss M says 'Trezzbiennz' when we are doing well'.  His pronunciation might have been dire but I wouldn't have known what French was in P2 let alone how to speak it......

Today's Random Irritation : Just about everything.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

Chaotic Saturday. Up to a midden yesterday morning due to not being at home the majority of Friday. (When I was it was spent refereeing four kids). After making an impact on the mess we headed off to inspect SIL's new house. Fortunately it was spotlessly clean, however the decor left a lot to be desired. Dado rails and wall papers and curtains screaming at each other. After doing the once over everyone was in agreement that it was livable, however by the time we had left the upper paper in the living room had been peeled off in twenty minutes. One of those moments when you see a bit loose and pulling it starts a frenzy of ripping which ends up with you looking at bare walls for ages wishing you had just kept the darn stuff on. Watching everyone peeling made me think of a classic moment in the 'Royle Family' when Jim and his mate Twiggy try to strip the living room wallpaper with an assortment of tools including a fish slice to the strains of 'Mambo No 5'.  Made even more hilarious by the fact that they haven't even bothered to remove the pictures on the walls!

Today was loft clearing day and I returned from Zumba to find a pile of junk the height of Ben Nevis in the hall. I had to climb over a pile of carpet offcuts, prehistoric video recorders and college stuff which was for the heave ho. Why do we find it necessary to keep so much cr*p?  I cannot believe what is on our loft. I am ashamed to admit that there are boxes we have not opened since we moved in eight years ago, so the stuff can't be of any use at all. They are probably full of dodgy wedding presents, you know the sort, tea sets with runny glaze or lamps that look like they have came off a prize bingo stall. You hang onto them in case you offend Great Auntie So and So. Well she's dead so in the words of Big Dunc 'they are out'. H was having a great time. S had give him a tiny, ancient hand held telly which he was glued to. It had a two foot telescopic ariel which is a Health and Safety nightmare. I am sure one of my eyes will be impaled on it by the end of the week. L was in the loft helping and shouted 'Mum! You'll never believe it. Santa's left some of his wrapping paper up here!'

Well darling! Imagine that......

Friday, 28 January 2011

WHAT IS IT ABOUT MEN?!  S asked me this morning as I was getting out of bed if I was remembering about tonight?  I looked at him blankly. What about tonight? 'We are going to S & M's'. (Two people, not that dodgy bondage thing). I still looked at him blankly to be told that he had arranged it weeks ago, when we bumped into them before Christmas. Now I have to add clairvoyant and mind reader to my list of  supposed talents. As if that wasn't bad enough, I had food coop coffee morning, (standing about serving tea and coffee to the few folk who bother to come), my nieces to babysit for goodness knows how long, as house moves never go to schedule and swimming lessons as well. Decided the swimming lessons were getting the heave ho there and then.

So tonight we are off for a free feed at S and M's where I will have to be on my best behaviour as he is a Pentecostal Minister and one of the nicest people you will ever meet. As other half's job situation is doing my nut in at the moment, I think I will ask him to put a word in with Him upstairs. Divine intervention might be the best way forward, as the way things are going it could to take a miracle to sort things out.

Back to Fat Fighters last night. The Slimming World Oracle was there again along with her pal, who is a darned good likeness for Vicky Pollard (Croydon face lift, the lot!). The Oracle seemed to have got over her huff about her lesser weight loss and proudly told us the amount of sins in a Jack Daniels (4.5). Then a Bacardi, then something else. She looks remarkably like a fat Morticia so now, unlike everyone else in this blog, they have names and not initials.  She gleefully told us all about her stomach bug and diarrhoea just as the consultant was trying to plug a rather unappetising curry sauce.  Not the best time to try and sell something brown and runny. Then we had an old dear who told us prune juice had 4 sins a shot. She needed it to 'unbung' herself. Nice. If you were wanting food before, you were unlikely to now. Very effective. Stayed the same. Hardly surprising, this has been a stressful week so turned to food for comfort, but on a brighter note exercised like a maniac so one seemed to have cancelled out the other.

Thursday, 27 January 2011

Oh joyous joy! Have squeezed myself into my jeans that are two sizes smaller than the ones I was wearing at Christmas. Albeit that the button on them is straining like mad and if I bend over they ride down to indecent levels. However as well as exercising I think that it is time to start wearing tight clothes again in the hope that being crammed into too tight stuff might spur me on to get thinner quicker. There's nothing like trying to get into a car when your air supply is cut off by a waist band that is cutting you in two. It all started when I tried on the trousers I wore on New Years day. They were too tight then  and when I put them on today have got baggy. Yayy! Though, upon reflection I reckon they would have been too baggy on Jo Brand as well.....


 Tomorrow is my brother and sister in laws' moving day. As a result I have been given the job of babysitting my two delightful little nieces while the move is going on. L is 5 and a half  and M is nearly 4. Double trouble. They are deliciously naughty kids, but not naughty obnoxious, more naughty funny. L is five going on fifteen, a little redhead with temper to match, M is a compulsive scribbler who has given copious items in her mum's house the abstract treatment. Everything from lampshades to walls to the three piece suite. Much to SIL's horror. At one point she was such a prolific graffiti artist that SIL was tempted to tie her hands behind her back. My favorite however was the day that she put their lunch out on the table to come back and find  the bread eaten and slices of Billy Bear ham stuck along the patio windows.  My L is frantic at the thought of the house being invaded by her little cousins and is now looking for a hammer to nail her bedroom door shut! The mere vision of them wrecking her Sylvanian Families stuff is filling her with dread. I have decided as a precaution to put all writing implements in a safe place........

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Woke up during the night with agonising pains in my feet. Remember subconsciously thinking 'oh no, I really must have hurt myself yesterday'. I had misstepped on the stairs at Big Dunc's and come down hard on them. At 7 I got up and realised the reason for my sore feet. After the slip I had bandaged my feet and ankles (something I have had to do on occasion as I had a nasty accident involving foot injuries and my poor feet have never recovered). I had went to bed, forgetting to remove the bandages and during the night my feet had swollen and were now being crushed to bits. I yanked the bandages off and the relief was amazing. Back to normal. What an eejit.

Had H's pal over for tea today. Now realise how lucky I am not to have 2 boys because:

a. No matter what they talk about it always seems to sink to poo and bum level.
b. They are extremely noisy.
c.  In packs they torment the life out of their sisters. I felt sorry for poor L. She hid in her room while they attempted to torment her to distraction. They made comments like skinny bum and fat bum followed by raucous laughter every few minutes. I felt especially sorry for her as she valiantly tried to comb her doll's hair, and they kept grabbing it and trying to pull it's head off. She was no fool though. She is the only one apart from her dad who can work the Play Station 3 and conveniently 'forgot' how it worked.  The look on their faces when they realised she had the upper hand was priceless. They slunk off back to H's wrecked bedroom to plot their next move....

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Had myself set up for Zumba this morning and hopped off with a spring in my step actually looking forward to it.  I am now sure that madness is setting in as I am beginning to actually enjoy torturing myself. Got there and halfway into the first dance 'Cheesy' took unwell and looked like he was about to fall over. Said he had a virus and had to cancel the class. I felt really sorry for him. Hope that doesn't go against him as they have got rid of him doing Aqua fit for nothing so cancelling a class 30 seconds into it wont bode well.  I really will not be amused if they allow that little ferret of an instructor who now takes Aqua fit to do Zumba. Yesterday's torture was just that.  He kept shouting 'be more aggressive' to the point that I felt like jumping out the pool, bopping him a shot and asking if that was aggressive enough for him?  It would appear most folk were cheesed off as when he asked for the resistance floats back, the majority, instead of placing them on the side of the pool, threw them at him.  A fine moment. Mutiny in the Aqua fit class. Fantastic. Thought I was going to get off with a cup of tea and scone in the cafe but to my horror 'I' steered me upstairs to the gym. THE GYM. Good Lord! Fortunately it was the tame bit with cross trainers and running machines on a mezzanine level which meant you could look down on the body builders pumping iron. It was actually hilarious as the mezzanine level had been invaded by the fall out from Zumba class. A motley crew of middle agers, pensioners and overweight mothers. Glad they hadn't chosen to film a promotional video for the club that day, or we would have all been turfed out on our over sized jacksies.

Afterwards we went back to mine for lunch with N our chocolate muffin baking friend who sensibly didn't bring any. As we ate our bacon rolls and sipped copious cups of tea we decided that it was time that the government was kicked out and the three of us would take over.  Not a bad idea really, there must be hardly a person in the country who doesn't think that they couldn't do a better job that our present excuse for leadership. I have always hated politicians.  No one ever does that job for the benefit of anyone other than themselves.  After all, if you think about it, does anyone  go to work for someone else's benefit (apart from your own family)?  No, you go because you want the dosh. Just loved the expenses scandal. Their greed displayed no bounds. As my granny used to say 'cheek's no good unless you've plenty of it' and they are blessed with it in abundance.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Went to Zumba with 'A' this afternoon. Bit apprehensive as it is a different teacher on a Sunday and wasn't really sure what to expect. There was an enormous fat woman there which cheered me up immensely. (Major respect to her though. I find it hard so goodness knows how she managed).  Was expecting a room full of skinnies and gym bunnies with it being the weekend. During the week the class is full of pensioners, mummies who have got shot of the kids to school and one guy. Have not quite sussed his reasons for attending a Zumba class full of women but what ever lights your candle. It wasn't too bad, saw some of the weekday regulars and some new folk too. The instructor obviously had high expectations for us all. I sneaked in at the back behind a spray tanned tubby chick in a bra top which was too tight and displayed not so much a six pack as a full barrel.  A sight for sore eyes. The instructor started off with a salsa, then a samba, then finally just as my legs where about the give out a Bollywood number. The steps were just too much for me and by the end I was past caring and just kept laughing out loud. It would appear I can just about manage stuff on the spot but deviate in any direction from it and I am seriously in trouble. Like Cheesy's classes better. I am familiar with the routines and actually manage not too bad. Going back next week though,  'Project Ass Shrink' is well on the way and I am quite happy to endure the humiliation.

Today's Random Irritation ;  Those ruddy serve yourself checkouts in Morrison's. Went with A for a few things on the road home from Zumba. Why does it have to keep telling you in tone that obviously means it  thinks your a simpleton. 'Place your item in the bag' after every bleeding item?  Of course I had the wonky checkout ( it saw me coming) and realised too late I had told it to 'Eff Off' in frustration. I am now a confirmed nutcase......

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Saturday night. S has nipped out  to pick up the Chinese with H.  L and I are watching Come Dine with Me.  Bawdy, loudmouth woman gets her dinner stuck in front of her. It is some sort of dessert but she says 'Oh I have two testicles on my plate.' I cringe thinking 'Aw naw, here we go, I am going to get asked what that is'. She must have clocked my expression because she says 'It's okay Mum, I know what testicles are.' The silence is deafening, tumbleweed rolls across the room and I am rendered speechless. I creep off into the kitchen praying she has got the word mixed up with octopus legs, though know that I am kidding myself........

Spent the afternoon in H's bedroom. It is due to be decorated so took up a full roll of black bags. He was outside playing so unaware of the major clear out. Cleared the wardrobe of too small clothes to be passed on. One bag. Tatty clothes not fit for anyone. Another bag. Cleared out rubbish from bin, under bed and toy box. Another bag. Cleared out toys for charity shop. Another bag. He arrived back and started to put stuff back on the shelves. Ran him back outside to shouts of 'That's mine, I still use it'. No you don't. He is a compulsive hoarder. Didn't have the heart to throw out his handmade books though. He now has a pile, all written by himself , my personal favorite being titled 'My Big Book of Everyfing'. Hasn't mastered the spelling yet and the sentences are hilarious.

For a small room it holds major chaos. Sort of suits him really......

Friday, 21 January 2011

Three Pounds! Three Pounds! Yes folks, you got it, I lost three whole pounds! The torture has paid off and after 5 continuous days of hard exercise and abstention from all things delicious I am back on the wagon. Hip hooray!

Fat Club tonight was busy due to the post Christmas rush of folk trying to shed their excess.  'J' and I arrived last as usual and got seats at the back. The best place to be as from there you can text folk, read a magazine and still look like you are paying attention as the leader drones on about all things slimming.  Tonight was really quite funny, mainly because as usual I was people watching and trying to find something amusing about someone in a class full of normal folk. Tonight's favorites had to be two newbies for whom the novelty of Slimming World had obviously not worn off. They cooked together, went to the gym together and one had lost 8 pounds this week, while the other had lost three and was severely cheesed off about it. She also had the irritating habit of breaking in on the leader and quoting recipes from the club web page. I thought it was just me who noticed until we got back in the car and J commented too.  Can't wait to see who loses more next week, or if they have fallen out over it and are suing each other for custody of the Spray Light and artificial sweeteners......

Came home feeling ready for next weeks slimming effort. One more pound and that's half a stone.

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Am very proud of myself. This week I have partaken of 5 fitness classes in five days. Although every morning I get out of bed and feel as if another part of my body is falling to bits. I am convinced though that things will improve. At this rate I should have a body like Elle McPherson by summer and not Archie McPherson as at present. Well one can dream......

L got her flute yesterday and within half an hour her dad was shouting 'Practice that in your bedroom'. Goodness knows what he would have done if it was the drums or electric guitar. It's hardly offensive. He forgets his own parents put up with him practicing his coronet day in day out. I cleaned it with Silvo as it was in a disgraceful state and now it has been polished so much by its new owner it is sparkling.  Hope she is a keen to practice as she is to polish.

Walking home from school I heard a novel expression from H. He stopped mid step in the street and said 'Wait a minute Mum I've got to pop a pump bubble'. I stood looking at him trying not to laugh, thankful that he hadn't resorted to anything more vulgar.

Fat class tonight, if I am down a pound I will be ecstatic. If I am not I will be seriously annoyed. All that exercise has GOT to do something......

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

What a morning. Heard L shout 'Mum, you should see Steve Backshall. He's hanging off the end of a boat and his pants have come off'. Stop in my tracks and nearly singe my ear and strangle myself on the cord of the hair straighteners in an effort to get to the telly for a look. Sure enough there he was, being towed along by a big boat and had parted company with his kecks in the process.Now thats what I call a wildlife show. However the lovely BBC had covered his dangly bits with a blurry patch.....spoilports.

Went to Zumba with 'I' and was delighted to see there were three people there who were new and were actually worse than me. God love them, there's hope for me yet.

Am enjoying the fitness thing now and really fancy getting back into walking again.  They run a Nordic walking club where you walk about with poles to hold you up. Sounds like a good idea. After doing the half Moonwalk two years ago I have always enjoyed walking and it's a true saying that the more you walk the more you want to walk.  The Moonwalk is a fabulous night.  There's nothing quite like strolling down the High Street in Edinburgh at chucking out time in a pink and white fluffy bra while drunks shout obscenities at you. Or climbing Arthurs Seat at two o'clock in the morning in the pitch dark. Amazing fun and there is a great feeling of achievement at the end of it when you get your wee medal. Best of all,  it is for a brilliant charity. Surreal experience as it was, the strangest thing that actually happened was during one of our training sessions when we encountered a pervert. Now the last thing you expect to encounter at 7.30 on a Sunday morning is a bonafide flasher. While most of us are either sleeping off a hangover at this time, or just enjoying a Sunday lie in, it would appear that there are those who get their jollies creeping about the local country park displaying their wares to all and sundry. That Sunday morning was our lucky day.  There he was in all his glory wearing a pair of pants and a grubby tshirt. Fortunately I only saw his face, however two of our group got to see him in action as they stopped to let the dogs pee. A phone call later, the local police had sent their dogs into the park and they got the beggar hiding in his car (still in his pants) . Cue an afternoon of visits to give statements and look at mug shots of local perverts. Nearly choked trying to say the word 'masturbate' to a stony faced policeman without laughing. The case came to court and in his defence he said that he was going jogging (in his pants - as you do), and that the girls had saw him 'urinating'.

Yeah right......

Monday, 17 January 2011

The car has died.  What a darned disaster. However one that could have been avoided if other half hadn't ignored a warning light on the dash for a week and a half. Argghhhhhhhhh! Calm......When S went off down south to see Mr Down on His Luck last week a mysterious light started flashing on the dash. Now as anyone who is lucky enough to share their life with a man will know, the usual and sensible thing for him to to do is just leave it and hope that it miraculously goes away. So that's what he did. As a result by Friday it was struggling seriously and we endured a mortifying journey to swimming lessons where the poor thing was suffering from serious kangaroo petrol. It lurched up the road in an embarrassing fashion while I sat in the front mortified by the over revving of the engine he had to do to keep it from cutting out. The kids cowered in the back while I perversely wanted it to clap out completely. I really was hoping for a Basil Fawlty moment where he would jump out on the Boulevard and whip it with a twig in a moment of road rage. No such luck. We lurched home again and on Saturday it died completely. There was a silence in the house because A. he didn't dare complain about the predicament and B. because I knew if I started on the subject I was unlikely to stop. Anyway it has now been taken to the car hospital and will be back tomorrow in exchange for the princely sum of one hundred pounds.

Heard today that 'The Inbetweeners' movie is out this summer.  If you have ever watched this you will fall into one of two camps. Those who loathe the show and are disgusted by it and those who love it. Personally I think it is the most filthy, foulmouthed, smut fest on the telly. For that reason alone I will be booking my ticket early.....

Saturday, 15 January 2011

A quiet day in the house today. Kids playing, me climbing the ironing pile and S lying along couch watching Mr Bean.  Kids decide to pretend to be making a film with the video recorder on an old phone and call their film 'Mr Bean gets stuck in a kiddies hole'.  Have no idea what it was about but am assuming it was something innocent....

At least the white stuff is gone. It's actually a balmy 11 degrees today and feels just like July. Wind, then rain and then wind and rain together. Am thinking of firing up the barbecue.....

Put on half a pound at Slimming Class the other night. Oh joy, this was not the way it was meant to be. However the old (booze obsessed) leader has disappeared, (am yet to find  out why) and now we have a more focused replacement. Wish I was more focused, not doing well at all, back to the negative thinking. Must try harder. No more Minstrels....

Realise I have developed a fixation for a certain children's TV presenter who is on telly between 8 and 8.30 in the morning.  Never miss Deadly 60 and can't be the only mum on the planet drooling over Steve Backshall as I dole out the Rice Crispies. Great programme, there's not many on CBBC that have a hot guy with no shirt on on a regular basis. Kids are beginning to get suspicious. Think it has something to do with the fact I am hoovering the carpet with my tongue every morning.  It seems to be on a loop as well as they constantly play episode after episode.  Doubt if I will get away with that as an excuse for the kids being late for school. 'Sorry Mrs S, the kids are late because I was watching Steve Backshall wrestling an alligator with no shirt on'...... nope not a hope.....

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Have just checked my blog stats (being the computer whizz that I am - not!) and have noticed that I have readers from the United States, Germany and Singapore amongst other places. If you have been unlucky enough to stumble on this by accident, I apologise. If you are reading because you actually enjoy it- I sympathise. It would be nice if you would subscribe though, then at least I would know who is taking a sneaky peek.

Other half went down south last week to see an old friend who is having a rough time at the moment. Habitually unlucky in love, old pal seems to pick real crackers.  He was kicked out last New Year and is now struggling along, so S went down to cheer him up. It has been an endless catalogue of disasters for old pal, house isn't selling and when it nearly did, ex wife was back on bended knee begging him to take her back. He stood his ground though . House sale has fallen through and 8 weeks later, now that she is doing the horizontal tango with someone else, she is back in psycho witch mode. Lists herself as a christian.  Aye and I am Mother Theresa. Thought he was going to take her back at one point. That would have been a bummer, as I would have had to have taken down the voodoo doll hanging from the kitchen notice board. It was a good likeness too. All green Plasticine and pipe cleaners.

L came bounding out of school this afternoon delighted to inform me that she is being given a musical instrument. I faked delight with visions of fiddles and bagpipes floating about. 'I'm getting a flute Mum!' she whooped and with that I was landed with a bill for a music book and a letter warning me that I had to make her practice every day. Oh joy.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Zumba...three words...Oh... my.. God.

Well the cold never came to anything fortunately, so the only jelly legs I am suffering are from 45 minutes torturous Zumba. I am really, really sh*t at it. To add insult to injury there was a lot of ass shaking today and 'I' kindly informed me that 'you have a great ass to shake'. That's being nice for 'your ass is fat and looks hilarious when you waggle it'. What the hell, it's got to do some good.

Given the amount of times I swim or take part in aqua fit classes, I have invested in two new swimsuits. The old one was starting to perish as they do. Took them out of the packets to try on. I am now convinced you have to be a qualified contortionist to get into these things. Decided to jump in neck first and was disconcerted by the amount of seam popping that I seemed to be hearing. Checked the suit for burst bits but couldn't see any. What a sight. Said they had 'shelf bust support'. This turned out to be a bit of cloth inside with a strip of elastic which wouldn't have supported two fried eggs let alone my ample bits. Tried to rearrange myself. Not really sure whether you are supposed to wear the thing with your knockers squashed flat against you or to hitch them up so one escapes during aqua fit and hits you in the eye. Console myself with a Cadbury's Picnic bar from the selection box leftovers.

Will stick with the old suit...

Monday, 10 January 2011

Back to Big Dunc's today with 'I' who is now focused on the job in hand, i.e. getting fit. Got in the pool for Aqua fit only to be shocked at the loss of our cheesy old instructor. I am now officially in mourning as the replacement is a robot-like fellow with the personality of a wet fish. I had shut off within ten minutes and was planning what I was going to eat next. That's not motivation. Come back Mr Aqua fit all is forgiven! Was tempted to write on a comment card that "playing an Abba CD does not an Aqua fit teacher make". Just want old Cheesy back! At least he played Lady Gaga, and 70's disco. 'I' bounced out the pool announcing that it was 'Zumba tomorrow' -obviously whether I liked it or not. Oh well one can but try.

Woke up to the radio announcer informing me that the Queen of WAGS is pregnant again. I wonder if she smiled when she found out. She has to be the most miserable person on the planet. Loads of money, champagne lifestyle and hot husband in her bed and yet a constantly long face. I feel sorry for him. He seems like a decent enough sort.  Bonking her must be akin to fornicating with a deckchair.

Can't wait to hear what they call it....

I have the starting of a cold. Cough when I speak, sore head etc. Bloody typical! Have managed to avoid it for a month over Christmas and New Year while the house had more bugs in it then you can imagine. Now I am on the school run again and trying to go to fitness classes I am going to be hit when there's no one there to make me tea and get rid of my snotty hankies. Can just imagine tomorrow morning trying to launch myself out of bed with a raging temp and jelly legs...not good. Trying not to feel sorry for myself.

Oh woe is me.........

Sunday, 9 January 2011

In my infinite wisdom I encouraged my other half to purchase a PlayStation 3 for Xmas.  Now I am not a lover anything technical unless it sews two bits of fabric together, but because the DVD player we had was older than Methuselah's goat and we were considering buying a hard drive recorder, it sounded like a great idea. He managed to sell it to me on the strength that it tapes telly, can play DVDs, CDs and was generally all singing all dancing and just about does everything short of making you tea during adverts. How gullible am I?   I am driven demented by cars roaring round a track day in day out and boredom inducing elevator style music taking up the spaces. As if that it is not bad enough, he has now taped every programme from Xmas until now and randomly flicks through them watching bits and then changing his mind, so you never actually see all of anything,  Tonight my viewing has been, a bit of The Incredibles, a bit if Derren Brown, a bit of Gary Tank Commander, a bit of Primeval and I am a bit cheesed off with it all now....

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Call the fashion police! Saw the best or worst get up depending on your taste today. Sitting at the local petrol station, staring into space while the car was filled, my eyes fell on woman doing the same.  I can honestly say that even in my most deluded moments I have never worn the following: cerise pink joggers with cuffs round the bottom, white sport socks with green and black stripes and wait for it - stiletto heels. I sat transfixed as she minced across the forecourt, a vision of bad taste. Gok Wan would have had heart failure. Now there's a man who could sort out my fashion sense, or lack of it, out. However the thought of trailing up a catwalk naked in the 'Elements' while the local neds shouted abuse, or posing in Debenhams window while folk tittered shamelessly, makes me want to run in the opposite direction. What makes these lunatic people on his show do it?  I would have to be inebriated. I think I will just stick to my jeans and trainers.  Not high fashion but certainly functional.

It's all about the confidence...... girlfriend.

Today's random irritations:

Why do Asda checkout assistants find it necessary to ask if  I want help with my packing, when all  I have is a loaf of bread and a packet of sweets and there are four of us standing?  They do it all the time. Am tempted to say yes....

Kerry Katona. No matter where you go her face pops out at you from magazines like a deranged goblin, informing you how fat she is , thin she is, single she is, sane she is, skint she is, blah, blah blah...   You get the picture....

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Had a very nice time at my aunt and uncle's house on New Years day. Three generations of the family gathered together to catch up. It was lovely and amusing at the same time. My aunt had decided to run a pass the parcel game for her great nephews and nieces which would have been fine had she not thought it acceptable to play a Susan Boyle record as the background music. More disturbing was the fact that this was the most up to date music she had. As a last resort my cousin switched on MTV to get some modern stuff. Fortunately someone was sat in front of the telly. Mainly because a rapper appeared with swimsuit clad ladies shaking their ample booties in close up at the screen. Even less acceptable. My uncle nearly choked on his trifle.

What a day spent trying to amuse the kids today. L and I built her Harry Potter Lego game and then tried to work out how to play it. In the meantime H was building electrical circuits with his new Christmas present. Was extremely impressed at how well he was managing and he proudly displayed a working fan he had built. Great. Until two minutes later, when he reversed the polarity of the motor, the fan shot off and hit him smack on the nose. Cruel, but L and I could not keep a straight face. He is now playing again, but with a dinosaur plaster across his nose which now looks like a wee bit of streaky bacon.

Went out for a walk and it would have cut you in two. My sister in law had phoned half an hour earlier and said it was snowing at hers (7 miles away) now I could believe why.

Hope to goodness we don't get the white stuff back.....

Sunday, 2 January 2011

Have thought of my New Year Resolutions and here they are:

No 1 - the usual old chestnut, to get thinner. J and I go back to fat club on Thursday after a month of missed weeks due to snow, night outs and general cant be botheredness.
No 2 - to get fitter. Back to big Dunc's next week and I am stepping up the torture (until my back starts up again).
No 3- to keep my ironing up to date. What a joke, it's January 2nd and already the pile is so high I am suffering from altitude sickness just looking at it.
No4 -  to stop procrastinating. I am going to put a stop to my 'Why do today, when you can do it tomorrow' approach to life. Things will be done right away. Though, come to think of it, I just might start that one next month...
No 5 - to stop being crabbit and more tolerant to halfwits, numpties and eejits. A hard task for someone who doesn't suffer fools gladly but after last year I think I am understanding myself a lot more and therefore maybe, just maybe, may be able to understand others too. Except for those dingbats on the Asda pizza counter....

So there we are, and with S back at work tomorrow I have plenty of time for the ironing and to plan my healthy eating. So I have until bedtime to eat everything in the house that is unhealthy. Think I will start with the biscuits......
Well there it was Merry Christmas everybody's had their fun. Well if you discount the snow, flu, vomiting angels and empty bank balance. What a month! Snowed in at the start and incapacitated at the end by sick weans and hangovers. Don't think anyone has escaped it. Due to this month's adverse weather conditions (it's all your fault Sean Batty, don't you dare try to deny it) all things Christmassy at school were delayed by a week or so. Ended up helping out at L's school party. Made mental note to remember to excuse myself from that sorry little affair next year.  My memories of school parties were happy ones of pass the parcel, egg sannies and ice cream and jelly. It would appear prohibition has arrived and all things enjoyable i.e. sweeties are no longer permitted at school. On the plates were - a bag of crisps,  a sorry looking fairy cake with no icing and a tangerine. What are things coming to? Made me want to go to the Coop for a keg of cola and crate of smarties. What with that and gifting the microphone to the teacher with the most grating voice on the planet (short of Linda Barker's),  it was less than enjoyable for me. Fortunately the kids didn't seem to notice. I am sadly not a good example to kids it would appear, if I was six they would have me labelled as a problem child.

Survived the Christmas eleven and made it through the freeze for my M&S turkey crown. Definitely not worth the cash but as I wasn't cooking I didn't complain. Nice dinner, or as nice as can be expected with 5 weans in tow.

Last nights New year party was interesting. Invited the L and D families up for the bells. Everything was extremely civilised, everyone enjoying the nice chat and booze and the cocktail making was going a treat. Kids and men playing PS3, Only an Excuse and the usual telly tartanalia that makes up Hogmanay.  Lovely! After midnight things took an interesting turn when a karaoke machine appeared from a poly bag. Amazing! It may have been held together by sellotape but boy, could it make a noise. So much so that the neighbours suddenly started knocking our door. Probably because it was more pleasant to get drunk and listen first hand than lie in bed with the covers over their heads.  I am sure there must be  posters in the local shops with our faces on them 'Wanted - for crimes against music'.  Finally got rid of our (seriously wellied) guests at 5 am and fell into bed thinking that I am getting far to old for all this, well until next year anyway.........