Friday, 29 April 2011

Not funny. Ikea flat packed furniture assembly is NOT FUNNY. Especially when you are building a giant wardrobe for a wee bedroom. The problem started when S realised that the thing was supposed to be built on the floor flat on its back. Fine if you have bedrooms the size of football fields, we do not - so decided to build it vertically. Not good. Not even half good. I have never contorted myself into so many weird positions in my life. It was like Ikea Twister with the risk of standing on or being impaled on a nail. The final straw came when S dropped the hammer on his toe, by that point I couldn't even be bothered to laugh.

Spent the day doing nothing. Not the usual, but as everyone is was having the day off for the Royal Wedding,  I decided I would too.  Sat in front of the telly for a lesson in bad taste as I watched the rich, famous and peasants trip into the Abbey to view the wedding of the century.  It's a true saying that money doesn't buy you taste - what with Prince Andrew's panto dame daughters (more Addam's family than Royal family) and an array of outfits that would have made Gok Wan have a fit,  it was left to the Bride and her mother to outshine everybody else.  Never a Royalist, I sat glued to the spectacle and decided that they don't do big dos anywhere like in GB.  Loved the sight of Posh in her navy tent. Does that woman ever smile? She looked like a cross between the child catcher and Cruella de Ville. H was beside himself as he spied Rowan Atkinson and shouted, 'Muuuum! Mr Bean's been invited!'  Prince Harry on the other hand should be hired out for parties. Arrived looking like he has just fell out of a nightclub, hair unruly and wearing a uniform that he had obviously pinched from his grandpa's wardrobe. You can just imagine it,  'Can I borrow one of yours Grandpa? Of course Harry, just make sure you don't knock over the gin stash getting it out'.  You can just tell he would be a good laugh. They had left him in charge of three children in the carriage back. You could just imagine him saying 'anyone got a light?' and  'if we turn that way it's only two minutes to the Spearmint Rhino'. Bet the wee ones loved him..............

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

OMG. I am convinced half the world thinks I am mad anyway and now I have added two Ikea delivery men to the list. They phone at 7.45am and tell me they will be delivering at 8.30. They have all day but it had to be just as I am about to exit for school. I am sure someone up there just loves to wind me up. They arrive as we are putting our coats on and I realise the front door key is missing and I can't let them in. To make matters worse I start ranting 'Where the H is the front door key', as the kids scatter trying to find it. I then realise the living room window is wide open and they can hear every word of my manic outburst. I finally open the door to two faces which have 'you are stark raving mad' written all over them. What a start to the day...

All in all not a good day at all. One fight with an insurance company, one fight with someone from somewhere trying to get S's new work number, then L in tears after school. The reason? The flute teacher said she had not been practicing and that she would take her flute off her. She was bereft and I was enraged - once again. This time with good reason as she practises every morning and is making good progress. Granted it has been the Easter holidays and she hasn't been able to as much, mainly because I said she couldn't take the flute with her to the caravan although she asked to. I didn't fancy it going missing and having to foot the bill. I have never seen her so upset after school and decided that this was a ridiculous situation. How is telling a child that you will take away their instrument going to encourage them? What an eejit of a teacher! I pinged off an email to the heidy explaining the situation and letting him know what I thought of her teaching methods. She will be in for a nice surprise when she rocks up to terrorise the kids next week. She has me to phone and I don't do nice very nicely.......

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

It is official. We are truly are a nation of dingbats, numpties and crackpots. Having watched the supposed 'talent' on BGT the other night it is glaringly obvious that there are many disturbed folk out there. A blond female who drags on her 92 year old grandfather on to sing the theme from Fiddler on the Roof, a deranged middle aged woman singer who stuck up the viccy v's when she got the knock back. Classy.  Mind you a knock back from the Hoff is a knock back indeed.  He is hardly Frank Sinatra.   Really they should just seal the theatre doors shut and leave them all to rot.  It would keep them all off the streets. I hope to God aliens were tuning in. They are unlikely to want to invade our planet after watching that. They probably think that Earth is just a dumping ground for the insane.

What a weekend -  two trips to Ikea.  Why is it when you want something delivered from Ikea all the bits for the item in question are never in stock? Got my wardrobe for H's room but there are no shelves at the moment. How the heck is that? Are there people somewhere stockpiling wardrobe shelves? Highlight of the day was getting shot of the kids to the creche thingy for an hour. How I got L to buy that one I will never know.  First hour S and I have had together on our own for two months and it's looking at flat packed furniture. It's no joke when you have a baby sitter shortage......

Will spend tomorrow waiting on deliveries......and then spend the next two days tripping over the boxes until S gets home to build them.  So that means another weekend of an upside down upstairs, sawdust trails through the house and a constantly open back door. Hope he gets the wardrobe built pronto, I am going to hide in it..........

Sunday, 24 April 2011

S has been away for three days now and although there are no shoes or laptop to trip over and no routine to speak of (Get up when you want, eat when you want, go to bed when you want) the house is strangely quiet. I feel quite lonely, everyone is off on holiday so it's just me L, H and the hamsters we are watching. The week has been taken up with trips to the hospital with L, doctors' surgery with H and a foray to the local pottery painting studio. Had L & C for lunch yesterday where my packet mix chocolate cake went down a storm and we had a good natter.

Had to take H to the docs' today as he has got an infection in his nose. How he got it I have no idea but he did and as usual there were no appointment for two weeks. I am sure it is a prerequisite of the job to be as unhelpful and obnoxious as you possibly can when you work on that reception. I asked to speak to a duty doctor who gave me an appointment straight away. If you can get by the witches at our surgery you are usually lucky to get something. Anyway we arrived at the surgery and the doctor who is a lovely man explained to H he would have to take a bogey sample. Hilarious. He came out with a massive cotton bud and explained he would send it to the lab. H was in his element and asked him if he wanted anymore as 'there are plenty up there'.  I am sure he has got this picking his nose. Maybe this will teach him as the medicine is vile, and it is taking bribery and corruption to get him to swallow it.

S back tomorrow........

Monday, 18 April 2011

Arriving back on Friday we realised that the hire car S has to use for his new job had been deposited in the drive. It looked fine but as with everything we were lulled in the a false sense of security.  I got inside and immediately got out again. It would appear the previous user either suffered from doggy BO, or was using the thing as a kennel. I spied short white and ginger dog hairs adorning the dash and various other areas and cringed. Suffering from a pet allergy which causes a swollen face and asthma attacks is no fun and the prospect of travelling in Lassie's boudoir for the foreseeable future was no joke. We can't get it changed for a few days so went to Mother In Law's yesterday with my head hanging out of the side window a la Ace Ventura. S put on the fans thinking it would help but they just pumped out more doggy perfume of a stronger fragrance, which caused a major boaking session in the back.  His remedy to this was to suggest a 'Magic Tree'.  A Magic ruddy Tree.  It would be like peeing on the towering inferno. In my experience these things were invented by travel sickness pill manufactuers, as the stink from them makes you want to chuck as well.  I hope he gets rid of it soon. Can't wait for his official company car to arrive as it will be brand new.. Though in retrospect knowing our luck it will be a Robin Reliant..........

He got up at 3.30am this morning to travel to Chesterfield to start his new job.  A five hour drive. He is going to stink of pooch perfume by the time he gets there..........

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Back yesterday from the lakes. An interesting and varied week, where a visit to a local safari park meant we got 'back to nature' in more ways than one.  A fantastic park where you could pat a penguin or feed a marmoset and watch lions fornicating from five feet. The last highlight wasn't an advertised attraction but upon entering the lion house (which disconcertingly had the lions behind bars five feet away) the lion decided to have his fun with the lioness at exactly the right moment. Scary to say the least. Lion porn is not something I want to witness ever again. I ushered the kids out of the building quickly to sounds which would have put fear of death into you. L said 'Just as well we left Mum, that lion was REALLY grumpy'. That along with being chased round an aviary by a hungry pig made it a day to remember, Especially when the pig gave up chasing us and cornered a posh woman with a bag of bird feed. We sneaked off as it left a trail of piggy snot along her handbag.

Made a mental note to think very carefully about the prospect of living in a caravan again. The beds were horrendous and I spent the last two nights sleeping along the couch as it was more comfortable than the extremely lumpy mattress. I don't think I could face that again.

Off this morning to the 'Bang Goes the Theory Roadshow' in the City Chambers.  Hilarious. If only because the audience consisted of overgrown nerds who were obviously out to get their jollies or long suffering parents like myself  along because I had to be. Sat listening to a complete eejit in front of me clapping, whistling and getting off on the fact that someone had popped a balloon filled with hydrogen gas. He must have been about thirty years old.  Whatever floats your boat I suppose. Behind me sat two 'scientists' one of whom droned on about his degree and how dissecting a pigs uterus was the worst thing he had ever done. He went into great detail while I sat and tried not to listen. H however loved the show while I amused myself by wondering how much I could have spent on Princes Street in the time we had sat there...........

Sunday, 10 April 2011

None of the following pastimes are foolish:

Painting H's bedroom and installing new bed
Having In-laws for Sunday Dinner
Trying to tidy your house before going on holiday
Trying to get your ironing up to date

But it is ruddy mental to try and attempt them all at once. I did today and have ended up like a frazzled lunatic.

Yep while everyone else was baking in the heat of our two day summer I have been busting a gut. Bet you it's raining tomorrow. Happy Holidays!!!!!

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Went Aqua Fit with A yesterday as she was on her day off . Turned out to be hilarious as Cheesy has decided to put a new set of moves into the routine which involved pelvic thrusts. Now it is one thing to do that in the water as you are partially hidden but he stood on the side of the pool in a pair of thin trackie bottoms thrusting for all he was worth.  My face stretched into an enormous grin as he obviously didn't realise how suggestive - or ridiculous he looked. He then had the audacity to draw our attention to a poor old man squeezed into a pair of speedo trunks. I thought A was going to drown laughing.

Was woken  at 6.30 to the sound of someone singing. Or at least it sounded vaguely like singing. Turned out it was L who was up in a good mood. She has been invited to a birthday sleepover at her pal's house which is fortunately 100 yards down the road. I have no desire to collect her from afar if she decides to come home early. At least you can sneak down the road in your jammies at 3am in the morning.

Woke up this morning to mist knowing full well that today was going to be scorchio. Great.  L hadn't phoned but was up half the night no doubt. By 10 the mist had burned off and there I was hanging out washing like a maniac in preparation for our escape to the Lakes.  All windows were thrown open - there's something nice about getting the fresh air in- and S went off to clean the car for five hours. How throwing a bucket of water over it and leaving it to dry doesn't suffice I will never know. Anyway, was ironing in the dining room and could hear the Mad Monoblocker outside apologizing for his 'boo boo'.   Sometimes I think my husband is too damned soft. Instead of telling him to sling his hook, S as usual was nice about the whole thing, while my bullsh*tometer was about to explode. I wanted to open the door and shout 'Do you think my head buckles up the back, you old git? Talk about my drive again and you'll be buried under it.'  Instead I remained silent and gave my blood pressure another hammering.......

T minus 2 days and counting........

Thursday, 7 April 2011

What a ruddy week. Can't wait to take off to the lakes next week for a few days. A week in a caravan listening to the rain battering off it's tin roof sounds like a far less stressful scenario than this week. Wondering where I am going to get my next sweetie fix being the most worrying thing sounds blissful. This week has not been good.  H's school worries fortunately seem to have sorted themselves out but have involved a lot of school visits and phonecalls.   Mad monoblocking maniac is trying to bury the hatchet when all I want to do is sink it into the back of his head. He told a neighbour he had made a 'boo boo'. So he wants to eat humble pie. He will be eating it out of the wrong orifice if I have anything to do with it! I am still fuming about his cheek and cannot even find the effort to be civil let alone have a conversation with him.  To top it all walking home from school a starling decided that I have obviously reached an all time low and used my head as a toilet. Came home and washed my hair three times in an effort to remove bird turd.....

When you decide to have kids nobody ever hands you a guide book to let you know all the problems and quandries that you will encounter over their early years or tells you how hard it is to be a mum sometimes. I suppose that is a. because it would put you off big time and b. there would never be a book big enough to cover everything involved. I remember when I visited the midwife for the first time when having L.  I was given a book about pregnancy with some of the scariest birth pictures imaginable. I looked at them in horror as S said sympathetically (eyes glued to the tv as usual)  'too late - it's in there now'. The pictures in question would have either sent you off in a frenzy of terror or if you were an  'earth mother' made you wonder at the miracle of birth. I chose the first option. Nine months later I realised it really wasn't that bad and that in some cases drugs do work. I had spent the majority of the time praying for the cut and shut option when the alternative was actually a lot more pleasant.


In all it would appear that giving birth is the easy bit, it's after that that the problems start.....

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Had a call from school yesterday about H. This is third time in three weeks that I have had a call from school at lunch time to say he was unwell.  He was genuinely was ill last week however the week before last was a 'sore tummy' of dubious origin and this week he had 'fuzzy eyes'. His eyes were tested recently so I was sceptical. Ended up going down to school to see what was wrong. He immediately cheered up when he saw me. I refused to take him home but was sure that something was amiss and has been for a wee while. After school I finally managed to extract the fact that a boy in the other class were telling everyone not to play with him and trying to take his lunch off him. This probably explains why I have noticed him in the playground on his own recently.  Didn't know whether to cry for H or restrain myself from wanting to kick the culprit's backside.

Actually the most touching bit about all of this was when he told us what was going on his big sister dissolved into floods of tears and said she would see the culprit herself.  She's not the quiet little flower I thought she was.....

Anyway phoned school to let them know and they assured me it would be sorted. We will see......  

Got up this morning to H saying he felt sick and L complaining of a sore throat. I sent them both to school. H to face his demons and L to face VT at lunch time for a dose of Calpol.........

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Why oh why oh why ? At Ikea yesterday to get furniture for H's bedroom. You can hardly pass each other in the downstairs bit as half of the East of Scotland has decided to go, but there are still eejit parents who think it's a great idea to let their three year olds loose with those ruddy mini trolleys.......and why oh why does S decide that having purchased a bed we can fit it into our car? Drove home steadying a piece of wood with my left nostril as I struggled to stop another bit going through the car windscreen - and all to save a few quid.

Work has started on H's bedroom. As his room has had to be cleared for painting everything has been removed and put in our room or into the upper hall. Now you can hardly swing a cat and turning involves the skill of Rudolph Nureyev in order that you don't lose an eye on something or get assaulted by a swimming noodle. S fortunately is working like a Trojan in order to get it painted and finished for him starting his new job in two weeks.

Mothers day and as usual I made my own breakfast - mainly because I can't stand eating in bed. My little darlings had excelled themselves and made me two lovely cards (L said they made them just in case daddy forgot) and S excelled as well by actually remembering to buy 2 for them to give to me..........

Happy Mother's Day slummy mummies everywhere!

Friday, 1 April 2011

After a month off Zumba and three expensive visits to the Chiropractor I am now ready to return to exercise. Thank goodness. I am dreading going back as I know that I am going to feel it big time and be knackered but hey ho that's life! I am now the chiro's best friend after a nine year absence and I could almost see him rubbing his hands together in glee and the pound signs burling in his eyes as I hobbled through his front door. He now has a bizarre bed which you stand in front of and it tips you forward face first until you are lying flat. It's crossed my mind that it would be very useful if you were plastered. Stand in front, press the button and you are horizontal in seconds, far better than falling down. I endured a lecture on not sitting with my legs crossed (I am doing it now), not standing with uneven pressure on one leg and was instructed to get rid of my shoulder bags in favour of messenger bags and rucksacks as they put undue stress on my back. I looked at my favorite Cath Kidston bag sadly and realised it is now for special occasions only.

What a week. No pounds lost at Slimming World, (J has got me on the noodles now) and numerous pounds lost to the chiro. The car has also packed in again. It is a true saying that you never miss the water 'til the well runs dry.

Food coop was quiet this week. The moaner has obviously decided to go elsewhere and we had the help of our P7's who caused a £25 over ring. It must be all the post show excitement.......