Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Went to see the chiropractor a week ago. He grudgingly informed me that he wouldn't have to see me for at least six weeks. That's his takings down then. I think I am funding the boat he has on the Firth of Clyde single handedly. In all fairness my back has improved no end and I have forgotten what it is like to get out of bed in the morning in pain so money well spent. I skipped off up the road ready to take on the world or at least L's bedroom. Went into the room, slid on a sock she had left lying on the laminate floor and before I knew it I was doing the splits in a fashion that would have scored a 10 at the Olympics.  Never one to do something by halves I grabbed her plastic drawers full of craft equipment for support, only for it to topple like a stack of dominoes. Result - me contorted in a heap wearing an assortment of pipe cleaners, sequins and googly eyes for decoration.  Since then my back has felt slightly wonky...I wonder if I will last for another five weeks.

Day 2 of L's residential trip and I am wondering how many items of clothing she has wrecked. I sent her with her oldest stuff and warnings to wear her wellies for all mucky activities. Bet she wrecks her trainers. The activities include kayaking, 'jungle bashing' (how do you bash a jungle?), swimming and visits to Deep Sea World and a local stately home.  Am waiting on her coming back tomorrow with a suitcase full of filthy clothing and an equally filthy self.  Will have the bath run so I can just tip her into it. 

S has taken off down south again so there is only H and myself. Of course things never run smoothly and he has got up this morning complaining about a sore head, feeling dizzy and running a temperature. O happy days.........

Monday, 30 May 2011

Dropped H at school this morning and saw L off on the bus to her three day trip. S is on holiday so we took off to Glasgow for the Ideal Home Show. We wont be rushing back there in a hurry but hilarious fodder for a blog. After being stung for thirty quid for tickets we wandered aimlessly round the SECC.  I endured a forty five minute long cookery demonstration by John Burton Race and took off when S said he wanted to watch Jean Christophe Novelli  cook as well. Wandered round the Ideal Women section of the event. What a nightmare- within seconds I narrowly avoided being accosted by a hard faced oompah loompah asking me if I wanted a spray tan. Then it was glitter tattoos and teeth whitening. I couldn't believe it- victims were sitting in chairs with their sunglasses on and their mouths braced open in Wallace and Grommit style grins, as light was shone onto their teeth while all and sundry gawked from inches away. And don't get me started on the feet eating fish. If ever there was a vile, disgusting , unhygienic pastime, it is sitting with your feet in a tank, in view of the general public, letting fish chomp the hard skin off them. Boak.

Best part of the day had to be the fashion show. Now, there is nothing funnier than situations that are hilarious but are being taken completely seriously, as was the case of the so called 'Fashion show'.  I sat down to watch (mainly because I was sick of having to avoid folk trying to sell me stuff I didn't need, let alone want). The music started and some 'models' walked on stage wearing the contents of our school rag bag collection bin. I hauled my face straight. Half time and they brought out the 'designer' who talked about the next 'collection'. In his words 'imagine Bladerunner from laundry bags. Future clothing.' If that's the future shoot me now. There is no way I am strutting along the Main Street in a cut up laundry bag with clear plastic hooded thingy over it. S came back and we inspected the home of the future, which it would appear,  is going to be completely furnished with massage chairs and over sized tellys. Wall-E wasn't so far off the mark after all.

Highlight of the day - Greg Wallace, the baldy, dessert loving judge from Masterchef, saying hiya to my baldy, dessert loving husband in the mens loos!!!

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Well Friday night was the night of the ceilidh and we stepped off gaily with fears that it would be a wash out. Sometimes you just get things soooo wrong. A good time was had by all and not a drop of liquor in sight. Mind you we were lucky as prohibition had been lifted so we had cans of juice and wait for it - sweeties.  As a result the hall was like a munchkin convention as kids skipped and danced round about, high on sugar. Tablet, macaroon, toffee and fruitellas washed down with Irn Bru and Cola. The local dentists will be sharpening their drills as I write this. Supper was served in the form of stovies (nice) and hot dogs (not so much). I wont even describe the veggie sausages. All right I will. Across between what the dog would eat and then put out again but hey ho if you're veggie it must be better than a lettuce sandwich. Went home happy that it had been worth the effort and pleased that ceilidh goers were asking for another.

Took off to S and J's for a barbecue last night and as usual it was typical gala weather- wind, rain, a bit of sun and then back to wind and rain. Food was lovely and we spent the afternoon huddled in a gazebo containing a leather suite, various camping chairs, a table and a telly. I am still unsure as to whether it is okay to install an inside telly in an outside gazebo with the ariel suspended  from a bit of velcro but some folk will do anything not to miss the footie.  Enjoyed cremating marshmallows on a a stick , took me back to being in the brownies.

L is off on her school residential trip tomorrow so the house will be very quiet this week. Have been bankrupted by the list of toiletries that have to be supplied. Midgie repellent, sun cream, hay fever meds - the local pharmacy must be rubbing their hands together in glee. Tomorrow is a bank holiday so S is off and H is at school. Must be the first time in ages we have had time to ourselves. As usual we will probably just look at each other unsure what to actually do with our time. He's off down south on Tuesday so it will just be H and me. No kiddie fighting - bliss.........

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Oh Joy of Joys! The 'Austria' project is due in on Friday and there is light at the end of the tunnel. L and myself spent all day sticking cut outs from holiday brochures onto card. Don't know if 'Teech' will be amused. It was supposed the be half written and half typed. It's all typed with a jotter of L's handwritten notes included for her perusal.  Hilarious moment as S prints out pictures from Internet for us. 'Famous' Austrian Arnold Schwarzenegger and next to him an Austrian animal  (beaver) on the same sheet.  Given this weeks newspaper reports the irony wasn't lost on me. Laugh out loud moment when we searched for images of 'Edelweiss' and a topless blonde popped up amongst them. L tittered for ages, if you'll pardon the pun.

Spent this afternoon trailing the shops with S on the search for 'Chinos' to no avail. Was glad when his sister finally informed him they went out with the ark. Hopefully he will now accept the fact that he has the fashion sense of an OAP and get a bit more with it.......

Off to the cash and carry tomorrow with 'A' to stock up on supplies for the PSC ceilidh on Friday night. The excitement is killing me.  A ceilidh with no booze. We are in for a fun night....

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

OMG! The 'Ferret' is back taking aqua fit on a Wednesday. I could hardly contain my horror as I saw him strutting along the side of the pool this morning - the whole five foot six of him. Within five minutes of starting the word 'aggressive' had been used, but far from finding him irritating I actually decided he is a fantastic target for ridicule, which immediately made me feel better.  This morning he stood on the side with two floats punching the air like a miniature ginger Rocky.  He was well into it and you could just tell he thought he was God's gift. It's a standing joke between 'I' and myself that a Wednesday at the club is 'Orgy Wednesday'.  So called because there always seems to be an awful lot of couples in the hot tub that day. Went into the steam room and 'I' spotted one of her students who should have been at college. I could have laughed out loud as she told 'I' she  'had a cold'. Yeah, so it had nothing to do with the hot young bloke that she happened to be there with. I have to admit I am unaware whether he was hot or not.  I had to take 'I's word for it as it was steamy and I had no specs on at the time.

Another random observation - Why is it on the days that I have washed the floor something nasty is always spilled? And it's usually a major incident. Half a bottle of diluting orange, a smashed jam jar or dropped casserole sauce. The day's when it's left nothing ever gets dropped. Seems like a good reason not to wash it at all. I am just inviting trouble.......Before anyone thinks I am a clarty b**ch - it's a joke, I will still get my mop out!

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Got up on Saturday and decided to head off to Primark for cheap joggers for L. She needs them for her residential trip which does canoeing and  'jungle bashing'.  Two hours and £51 later we left with a bagful of stuff (all for her) - so much for the cheap joggers...

Decided to trawl the charity shops. I am a self confessed charity shop lover, not because I buy a lot out of them (mainly books) but because I have a fascination with other folks junk. We wandered about half a dozen shops perusing a endless supply of tat. I was drawn to a corner with a box that said 'everything 50p'. Too late! An oap resembling a female goblin popped up from nowhere and asked if I wanted to do her 'lucky dip'. Something told me no matter what I got I was unlikely to be lucky, as the prizes were other folks cast off tat but I hadn't the heart to say no. How can you refuse to buy a lucky dip ticket from a charity shop? I parted with my pound and came out with a micro fibre towel which will probably go to, you've guessed it, another charity shop.

Random observation no 1 - Why do all charity shops have that weird smell?  It never fails to be hanging about.

Random observation no 2 - Why has no one ever invented a fish slice that is long enough to lift an enchilada? Made them for tea tonight and the looked great in the cooking dish. By the time I served them they looked like roadkill...........just as well they tasted okay......

Friday, 13 May 2011

Went to wake H this morning. He now has the habits of a hamster. Ever since he started sleeping in his cabin bed he has started storing items in it so he doesn't have to climb out unnecessarily. This morning I pulled back the covers to find him snuggled up with my old sweatshirt, his money bank, three books, a torch, an assortment of cuddly toys and a notebook and pencil. Made for a comfortable night.

He came home from school this morning excited about the fact that he is going on a trip to the Falkirk Wheel. L immediately grumped that it wasn't fair. She never gets anywhere with school according to her, completely forgetting about her £107 residential trip in two weeks.... Oh and the Sound of Music tickets for the Saturday after. I am watching my sweet natured nine year old morphing into a stroppy teen before my eyes. Then we had a rumpus over a packet of Skittles. Lord help me now.

Had J's boys G and B for lunch today. J was off on the batter with her work mates. That place don't do things by half and J is never one to say no to a night out. In the space of half an hour I had had a grilling from B on the type of sausages I was serving for lunch - they were to his approval thankfully. Then I had to taste G's cooking he had made, and dispose of an instruction leaflet for condoms which someone had put in his schoolbag. It never ceases to amaze me how open kids are nowadays. He wasn't even phased, while I buried it at the bottom of the bucket and covered it in cold beans.........

Thursday, 12 May 2011

OMG! There is something seriously wrong with me. Have just listened to Jedward's effort for Eurovision and I quite like it! Maybe it's the fact that they are such a pair of eejits that makes it more appealing. Go Jedward! Jedward to win! No nil poi for Jedward!  GB will have no chance as usual. You could stick on a duet of the Queen on guitar and Elton John on piano (two queens?!) and we would still get zilch.

This has been a long boring week. S is away and wont be back until tomorrow. Kids are asking when Daddy will be back. It is lonely at night after tea but I keep hoping it wont be for too long. I am lucky as I have great friends and I value the support they give me so much. Anyway we have L's Austria project to keep us occupied. Yodelayyydeee!

On Sunday we booked next years hols. Finally after much debate we managed to get Florida booked. It was a really strange experience booking a holiday abroad again. I have not been on one for 11 years. Prior to that it was a twice yearly occurrence. S sat in the travel agents with a depressed look on his face. Probably thinking about the diminishing pounds in the bank  Heck sod it. The kids are excited and I am very excited, in fact to the point that I kept saying 'I'm so excited' to L so much she gave me a weird look.

Although I am looking forward to journeying abroad again I usually become afflicted with a problem when travelling. I go into this really bossy mode as I am paranoid about everything. Mainly that I will forget the tickets, passports, money etc. Also about the time we leave for the airport - yes it maybe only 45 minutes to Glasgow but for some reason I MUST leave 5 hours before. Just in case. In case of what? Traffic -yes, breakdown (the car not nervous - but nearly), the huge check in queues -yes, snow in July - yes (you never know in this country) in fact anybody that dares to get in front of me on the way to the airport.  Maybe that is why S looked so depressed at Going Places..........

Monday, 9 May 2011

Can't believe it! Just looked and I have been blogging for six months! When I started doing this I honestly thought that I would have got fed up after six days but here I am still spouting forth drivel and folk actually seeming to like it!

I don't think I will ever get to the bottom of men in general. This morning's classic takes the biscuit.  S leaves at 5.30 am to drive to Newcastle. I get out of bed at 6.50 and start to get organised for leaving for school. The phone rings at 8.25 -  ten minutes before I am due to leave the house and what I call 'headless chicken' time. The conversation that ensues just makes you wonder if men actually reside on this planet. It goes - Him 'Hiya', me 'Hiya' (as I attempt to do four different things at the same time). 'That's me arrived', 'Right okay',(as I drag H's coat on his back), 'I am outside McDonald's having a coffee', 'Fine, good for you' (as I cram swimming stuff in a bag), 'Are you not interested?', errr NO! I am trying to get your offspring out of the door to school which usually involves thinking about more than one thing at a time and good as I am at multitasking, holding my phone to my ear and trying to comb L's hair and put on H's shoes at the same time is asking a bit too much.  He goes off the phone in the huff. Men just never think. It hadn't even occurred to him that we were going to school let alone what time he was phoning.

Back to aqua fit today, after four weeks. I don't really know if I can face Zumba yet. Will give it another week. I will have to go back soon though. I really, really need to lose weight now that we have booked Florida. I now there is a high percentage of fatties there but I would rather not be one of them......

Friday, 6 May 2011

Off yesterday with A and J to the safari park. A less stressful trip than my last outing to there (if you discount H's whinging). An atrocity of a venture run by two enthusiastic student teachers with 60 kids and an assortment of long suffering teachers, support assistants and parents in tow.  It is an extremely stressful job trying to keep your eyes on 12 kids in a crowded safari park. The day started off  by being the hottest and muggiest of the year and most of the little darlings, H included, had sneakily drank the juice out of their lunch boxes before we even reached our destination.  One parent had given her child a bag that would have been too heavy for a mule to carry, let alone a five year old and muggins ended up carrying it around ( no wonder I have to see a chiropractor). When we arrived I noticed a child in our group was very quiet and asked if he was okay. He then informed me that he had thrown up prior to leaving home that morning. Great. It wasn't his last. As we watched the sea lion show I heard the familiar sound of someone heaving their insides up - all over two schoolbags which I was lucky enough to have to clean.  It is amazing how you just do things when needed. The alternative was travelling home with two pukey school bags in a stuffy bus. A disaster waiting to happen. While this was all happening someone had sucked their lips into a juice bottle so hard that they had left a swollen blood filled circle on their mouth. We turned round in horror to view Mick Jagger's love child. Then to crown it all someone wet themselves - and all in our group of twelve kids.

This time we trailed round in the rain, L was crying within ten minutes after going down a wet slide and ending up with ringing drawers. I can't believe I ended up in the middle of a lake in the pouring rain, in a life jacket going round in circles in a pedalo. Oh dear. Actually the day went well given the weather and the kids enjoyed themselves so it was worth the trip. A long journey home -  we managed to go on the wrong road and were heading for Glasgow instead of Edinburgh but hey ho, fun none the less.....

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Well at the weekend I decided to close my blog but within twenty four hours I have had folk contacting me and asking me to write more so I am off again.  Another weekend, another catalogue of disasters as usual. Went to the local gala day coffee morning where I offloaded a scary amount of cash. Never let on to S - he would have had a fit and as they say what the mind don't know the heart wont grieve over. On the way back H had an accident. Being chased by L he did a double back somersault onto the pavement - if Tom Daly had saw him he would have been asking for tips. I went to inspect the damage. Skint elbow and a really nasty skint leg and knee. I tried to convince him he was okay but he is no fool and gave a performance that Meryl Streep would have envied. Got him home and started to patch up the mess. The cuts were dirty and I had to clean them. Realised too late I had used an alcohol wipe from the first aid kit instead of TCP and the screams could be heard a mile away.  He contorted into all shapes and yelled 'just take me to St John's'. In retrospect it was hilarious but not at the time. He took himself off to his bed to recover. Lord Almighty please do not let him hurt himself too much. I can't stand the stress, never mind him.

On Sunday I took off by myself to the local pottery studio to do a 'felting workshop'. I really don't know what took me but saw it advertised and thought I would go. Could have been the lure of six hours peace and the lunch involving cakes and scones which looked seriously inviting. Spent a nice day making a felted handbag with some plummy mummies from the town egged on by a lady who was obviously into it big time. Came home with my wee bag feeling really pleased with myself.

Back to school tomorrow and am expecting a call from the lovely flute teacher. There may be trouble ahead....